Friday, April 27, 2018
Dad very briefly visited me 2 nights ago. it was rather late and i had difficulties sleeping for many nights prior. He was directly seen, briefly, head and shoulders at the foot of my bed. He simply said *Ed* in the center of my Pineal and was gone. I did not recognize him and asked a few questions. "Yes, I'm Ed, who are you? Why are you here?" No discernible answers, thoughts or feelings came, just something vague came. Thank you Cindy, Gene and Sue. I was awake. You were felt and seen. I heard you also, sometime around an hour ago. I originally wrote this at 6 am as the Sun was dawning. Contrary to popular belief, i do love Dad dearly and hold the utmost respect for him. There was a time not to long ago when i forgot that and let self righteous indignation take me over. All about simple miscommunication and an illness brought on by a tick just after a 4 month relapse of latent Lyme's and other, at the time, turmoils in my life. Not being heard and seemingly dismissed by a few close friend. Anger grew.
It is a difficult World. You worked very hard and would struggle at times to provide so much to us. Not to mention juggling the lives of all your children. trying very hard to keep us decent. There was love in all that he did. His concern for out well-being was and is ever-present and we sometimes didn't see it. Thank you, in gratitude, for All that you are.
I see so much of my self in you. A love of old thing and preserving their legacy. My hand writing. Doing the Sunday NYT crossword puzzle, in ink, sitting in the green comfy chair in your bedroom. Mom downstairs, making lunch for us all.
It would take you 45 minutes. It ooks like a puzzle you could be working on when i do them, in ink. Sometimes i can finish them in 3-4 hours. They were much harder then.
And so much more.
We All are not perfect people. Sometimes we all get ourselves stuck in in very bad places that skew our perceptions, our judgements, thoughts, hearts and God save us, Our Souls
Even then The Grace of God finds us and we see it once again. In ourselves
The Sacred Heart
At the center of our Being, and we welcome it with tears.
A Presence in our Heart and it welcomes and beckons us
A Blessed Presence in our Hearts and we welcome it.
Rejoice! Rest in it's stillness
'til we meet again. when it is my turn to take the journey
I Love You, Dad
To my family and Carol. Carol foremost.
My apology to you. I am so sorry for the thoughts, the thought and the words written. The hurt that I caused with them. I do not have the right to be so nasty and say and imply the things that I did.
I did
But i took it all the same. The right to project my suffering , anger, rage, wrongful blame;etc ;etc on to you both, regardless of one's justifications to one's self. It is a Sin. The burden I put on you. I'm so sorry I drove you and Dad to that point where I caused you to return the same venom to me.
6 years ago in a confidential conversation, Dad told me he was more than ready to go home because of his body rapidly slowing down and the suffering it caused. The confinement due to the sheer difficulty of leaving the house, even to the lake. The boredom and ennui, and burden he put everybody. I envy your new adventure.
Rest well, Edwin Richard
Carol, you were his joy, his inspiration
That, more than anything is what sustained him for so many wonderful years.
Peace be with you.
